just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
