Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
