Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
