Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
