She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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