Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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