There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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