You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
