So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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