Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
