I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Randomize