Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize