The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
