I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
