she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I didn't notice because vodka
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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