Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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