what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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