When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My feet surprised me
Randomize
