i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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