On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
