Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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