I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
