I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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