i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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