Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
