anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
