So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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