four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
