He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My ass is underappreciated
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
