The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
