It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I accidentally burped into my bong.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im holly from the hills drunk
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
