I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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