did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
