My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
