u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This is the high leading the old right now
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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