As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
