AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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