Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
