last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
