Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
