From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
