He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
