Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My Higher Power is John Stamos
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
