Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
