Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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