This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
