Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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