He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All the doctor said was why
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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