Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
