I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize