I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
