It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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