we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
