Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
