Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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