I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
