I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
