He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
