Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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