Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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