how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
