I just threw up on my dentist
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
