One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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